Taming the Advice Monster
How to Embrace Leader-as-Coach by Asking the Right Questions
Ever catch yourself jumping in with advice before someone even finishes explaining their problem? It’s like there’s this little voice in your head that screams, “I’ve got the solution!”—even when no one asked for it. That is your Advice Monster_ in action.
Michael Bungay Stanier (MBS), in his books The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap, dives deep into how our instinct to give advice can actually stunt someone’s growth and keep us from being the best leaders, mentors, and coaches we can be.
Spoiler alert: giving advice isn’t always the best move.
The Three Faces of the Advice Monster
Before we dive into how to tame your Advice Monster, let’s get to know its three main personalities:
- Tell-It Monster: This one is convinced you know best and can’t wait to show off your brilliance. It leaps out the moment someone starts talking.
- Save-It Monster: This one tells you it’s your job to swoop in and rescue the other person from their problem. It’s the superhero of bad coaching habits.
- Control-It Monster: This monster freaks out if you’re not steering the conversation. It thinks that giving advice keeps everything under control and ensures things go your way.
Sound familiar? These monsters lurk in all of us, whether we’re leading teams, mentoring others, or even just trying to help out friends and family. But here’s the thing—when you silence your Advice Monster, you become a much more effective leader. The key? Shifting from telling to asking.
Why Asking Beats Telling Every Time
When you immediately offer advice, three things happen:
- You stealownership of the problem away from the person.
- You assume your advice is the best solution (when, strictly speaking, it might not be; there’s always more than one way to bake a cake).
- You shut down their opportunity to think critically and come up with their own answers.
Stanier’s seven questions from The Coaching Habit are like kryptonite for your Advice Monster. They keep you curious, stop you from taking over the conversation, and encourage the other person to dig deeper into their thinking. Let’s break them down and see how they can help you lead more effectively.
The 7 Questions to Coach Like a Pro
- The Kickstart Question: “What’s on your mind?”
This is your go-to opener—a simple yet powerful way to let the other person bring up what’s most pressing. It sets the stage for a meaningful conversation and, importantly, keeps you from jumping in with advice too soon.
Taming the Monster: Your Advice Monster might want to leap in with solutions right away, but take a breath and focus on listening. You don’t need to fix anything yet. - The AWE Question: “And what else?"
Rarely does anyone give you the whole story up front. This question encourages them to share more and helps you uncover deeper layers of the issue.
Taming the Monster: The Tell-It Monster loves to dive in with quick fixes, but by asking “And what else?”, you’re forcing yourself to stay curious longer. Trust me, you’ll learn more by asking than by telling. - The Focus Question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”
This one’s a game-changer. It zooms in on what really matters, helping the other person clarify the core issue instead of getting sidetracked by surface-level problems.
Taming the Monster: Your Control-It Monster might want to steer the conversation to what you think is important, but resist the urge. Stay curious and let them define their own challenge. - The Foundation Question: “What do you want?”
This question forces clarity. It helps the other person articulate their actual goal, which often isn’t as obvious as it first seems.
Taming the Monster: The Save-It Monster will tempt you to jump in with solutions, but hold back. Let them figure out what they really want first before offering help. - The Lazy Question: “How can I help?”
Instead of guessing what the other person needs from you, just ask. Maybe they don’t need advice at all—maybe they just need a sounding board or a bit of encouragement.
Taming the Monster: The Tell-It Monster assumes they want your wisdom. This question stops you from making assumptions and puts you in a position to offer exactly what’s needed, not what you think is needed. - The Strategic Question: “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
This question helps the person think more strategically. Every decision comes with trade-offs, and this question forces them to recognize what those trade-offs might be.
Taming the Monster: The Control-It Monster wants to run the show. But by asking this question, you allow the other person to take control of their own strategy and think critically about their choices. - The Learning Question: “What was most useful for you?”
Wrap up the conversation by letting the person reflect on what they found valuable. It reinforces their learning and gives you a sense of how the conversation helped them.
Taming the Monster: The Save-It Monster will want credit for helping, but resist the urge to take the glory. If they reflect on their own growth, it shows that you guided them to deeper understanding without having to “save” them.
How to Keep Your Advice Monster in Check
You’ve got the seven questions, but how do you actually tame your Advice Monster for good? Here are a few tried-and-true strategies:
- Be Aware of Your Triggers: Recognize when your Advice Monster wants to jump in. Is it when you’re in a hurry? Uncomfortable with silence? Being aware of your triggers helps you stay in control.
- Pause Before You Speak: When you feel the urge to give advice, pause and count to five. That small delay can help you refocus on asking questions instead of taking over.
- Lean into Curiosity: Treat the conversation like an investigation. Your goal isn’t to fix—it’s to uncover. This mindset helps keep the Advice Monster in check.
- Get Comfortable with Silence: Silence might feel awkward, but it’s actually powerful. Resist the temptation to fill it with advice. Let the other person have the space to process their thoughts.
- Ask Yourself: Whose Problem Is This?: Nine times out of ten, it’s not your problem to solve. Your job as a coach or leader is to guide, not fix.
- Make Advice Your Last Resort: Offering advice should be the fallback, not the first move. Only offer it if they explicitly ask—and even then, frame it as a suggestion, not the solution.
The Takeaway: Stay Curious, Coach Better
Taming your Advice Monster isn’t a quick fix. It takes time, patience, and practice. But by using these seven questions and shifting from telling to asking, you’ll become a far more effective leader. The magic happens when you stay curious longer—because when you resist the urge to jump in with answers, you give the other person the space to think, grow, and find their own solutions.
So the next time your Advice Monster rears its head, take a breath and ask yourself: What’s on your mind?
Then, let the conversation flow from there. You’ll be amazed at how much more impactful your leadership becomes when you focus on questions instead of answers.
